The New District Vaccination Plan
A message from your Human Resource Department
Staff,
We are pleased to announce that our district has a vaccination plan to help protect our faculty from the COVID-19 virus. We know that there were some in our workforce concerned that we were more focused on placating the more strident voices in our community than ensuring the health and safety of our teachers, and we want you all to know that that is just not true, Doug Pfefferman of Riverwoods Elementary. So you can just take down that Facebook post, mister.
It should be noted that in order to accommodate the rapid implementation of our hybrid model, we may have overlooked some county, state, and federal guidelines. For instance, we have not secured access to the Pfeizer or Moderna treatments you may have read about, but we are excited about the Kirkland brand vaccine that is much cheaper, comes in 24-packs, and some people kinda prefer, anyways.
What follows is our simple plan to ensure that each and every one of you receives this life-saving vaccine:
1) First, it would be great if you could all try to get vaccinated in some other way. We’re not saying we don’t have enough vaccines for everyone — we totally do! They come in 24-packs! — but it would really help us out if, like, 200 or so of you could hit up a Walgreens or maybe District 200 or something. Don’t be a little bitch about this, Doug.
2) If you are not able to secure an outside vaccine, maybe you could put off getting our vaccine for a couple more weeks. Have you tried breathing through a bunch of straws stuck together? It’s like social distancing for your lungs.
3) We’ve figured that the fairest way to make sure everyone gets a dose is to vaccinate girls with bangs on Monday, Capricorns on Tuesday, cat owners on Wednesday, Carol Baker on Thursday, and whomever wins the tribal immunity challenge on Friday. If your name begins with a vowel from the first half of the alphabet, you’ll receive your first dose on the second Saturday of the month, and your second dose on the next date that is also a prime number.
4) Seriously, keep trying to get vaccinated somewhere else first. My cousin said there’s this guy who shows up in a red van in the 7–11 parking lot Saturday nights. He’s basically a roving pharmacy. Look into it.
5) We’re also looking into some alternative medicines. We just posted a 0.4 position for district warlock.
6) Some of the vaccines are the real deal. Some are placebo. Some are allegedly monkey spit. But the good monkeys. Very healthy.
7) We haven’t settled on a location of vaccine distribution, but we’ve narrowed it down to either the abandoned saw mill, the Beta Pi Pimps and Hoes Winter Social, or that gymnasium in It’s a Wonderful Life with the floor slowly opening to reveal the swimming pool.
8) This is probably besides the point, but COVID is not THAT bad, guys. Like, compared to a werewolf bite.
9) After you receive your first dose, you’ll need to walk around with your arm over your head for three days. The vaccine is said to thicken the blood; it’s not that big a deal, but you’ll probably want to refrain from using the left side of your body for anything. Also, if you eat after midnight, you turn into a gremlin.
10) We have limited stock of the second dose, so just to be fair we may decide who receives it via a district-wide race where everyone spins around ten times with their forehead pressed to a baseball bat then does a lap on the track in scuba flippers.
We want you all to know how much we appreciate your courage, patience, and can-do spirit. Our teachers are the district’s most valuable resource, and we’re committed to making sure you are protected from this deadly respiratory pandemic in the next 12–16 months. Just… don’t come by the district office in the next couple weeks. We’ve all just received our first dose of the Moderna vaccine, and we’d hate to catch whatever you wheezing donkeys have got.
