Our New New Plan
All right, well, I want to thank everyone for being here tonight. I know it wasn’t easy for everyone to row over by this chunk of floating ice, but I really think that it’s important that we have these little meetings in These Unprecedented Times.
As you know, it’s been a few days since the Titanic sank, and we’ve been trying to keep our spirits up, what with the howling winds and large carnivorous fish eating some of the stragglers. And you guys are so clever! Wasn’t it adorable when all the people on Liferaft #8 fished those dress clothes out of the freezing waters and put them on? Ha ha! Ladies, your amuse bouche will be over right after you finish up your pate!
Anyways, I think we are all in agreement that our previous plan — rowing south towards the transatlantic shipping lanes — was great. Of course, we want to make sure that we’re responsive to the views of our floatilla community, so we wanted to announce that we have a NEW new plan, one that we think you’re really going to like. We know that we’re not going to be able to come up with a plan that makes EVERYONE happy, but we need to acknowledge that there are different views of how best to manage the risks of hypothermic Arctic waters, and we want to do what’s best for the kids.
First, Liferaft #13 feels like we’re not rowing hard enough, so we want to encourage you to row harder. They weren’t specific about which direction we should row, but they’re disappointed with the intensity of the rowing, is the point. So it would be helpful if you could share some images of rowing by, I don’t know, sketching someone really straining the oarlocks. Maybe someone could locate a daguerrotype and contact paper? Is that too much to ask? And remember to smile while you’re rowing — it’s bad for morale if we see surly rowers.
Next, Liferafts #4 and #11 are not happy with the plan to row south. They’ve asked that we row north. You will recall that I developed the Row-South Plan based on my three decades of nautical experience and advanced degrees in crisis management. But #4 and #11 make a good point — they DID purchase tickets on the Titanic, and so that pays my salary. So we’re going to split the difference: Tuesdays and Thursdays, we’ll row south, and Wednesdays and Fridays we’ll row north. We need to show that we’re flexible in these Unparalleled Times.
Also, there’s been some debate about the dangers of the 20-foot sharks that are circling our boats. Liferaft #15 makes a good point — how do we know those are MANEATING sharks? A gentleman on Liferaft #2 has a cousin who went snorkeling and saw a shark, and nothing happened to him. Anyways, they’ve made the point that we would probably be rescued faster if some of the survivors got out of the liferafts and pulled the rest of us. You know, if you grip the rope in your teeth, you can use both arms to dogpaddle. Plus, it makes it look like you’re smiling.
Finally, we’ve got a new schedule for rowing. Now, I know what you’re going to say — “Didn’t we just change the rowing schedule yesterday?” Yes, yes we did. But our NEW new rowing schedule is going to be our best yet, because I think it addresses the concerns of Liferaft #7 and #13. So, we’ve got the kids now rowing from 7 AM until 1:30 PM three days a week, then from 7 AM until 2 PM two days a week, with alternating days on the weekends so that it makes sure that the kids are all rowing in a way that prepares them for future rowing. Some of the kids will row on the port side, and some on the starboard side, and it will be great as soon as we all teach them what these terms mean. We can’t let these Inscrutible Times distract us from our core values of kids, rowing, all the time, no matter what.
