New Airport Applebee’s Policies
Memo
From: Applebee’s Airport Restaurant Management
Re: New Policies
Dear Staff:
First, let me say that you are the best servers, bussers, line cooks, and hostesses a mid-level management team could ever ask for. In these unprecedented times, it is an honor to watch you bring grateful customers our signature Grilled Chicken Wonton Tacos. This is, of course, even more difficult given that we’re situated in an airport where all flights are currently grounded due to sudden terrorist attacks. Sub-optimal, I know. But as my Gramma always used to say, “A turd is just one shellacking away from being a useful paperweight!”
With that in mind, we have some new policies to help us apply a fresh coat of varnish to our outstanding service. These recommendations come directly from our customers, who seem undeterred by the Department of Homeland Security’s “Debbie-Downer” press conference, and have showed up at the airport anyway, demanding to fly. #ProudPatriots
Effective immediately, all food served by Applebee’s should come in little boxes. Customers who are not allowed to fly are wistful for the boxed food they would be served in-flight, and they have asked that we make little boxes for them. We currently don’t have any little boxes, so we’re going to send our line cooks down to the cardboard baler after their shift to scrounge some up. BT-dubs — there’s information on how to safely dive into a baler in one of the PDFs I sent a few emails back. I couldn’t find it, but it’s in your Inbox somewhere.
Effective immediately, all tables are to be arranged in rows that will simulate being on a plane. I tried to make the point that this is in violation of fire codes, but the customers were insistent that they still receive the experience of being on a plane, and it really does seem unfair they’re not allowed to fly simply because a few bombs were detonated somewhere else. Anyway, my Gramma always used to say a burning house is great fertilizer for the garden, and her tomatoes were divine.
Effective immediately, all servers should make a *whooshing* sound as they bus their stations. It’s supposed to sound like the engines of planes. I’ve heard Doug does a good impression of this, but I’ve got to say he sounds more like a hair dryer than the sibilant drone of a jet engine. Not so much fricative, Doug.
Effective immediately, all alcohol will watered down to the point of being mostly crushed ice. This was already Applebee’s policy, but sometimes I just like to remind you guys.
Effective immediately, our food needs to be pre-cooked and stored in a cart that we wheel around to the tables. I must admit this is quite a tricky Sudoku for us to solve — Applebee’s menu offers more than 50 items, most cooked to order, and a generous offering of sauces and garnishes. But our customers are insistent on the full plane experience, so we’re just going to have to get creative! Remember when Kelly accidentally locked herself in the freezer and slid a message under the door saying, “HELP! I’M LOCKED IN THE FREEZER!” Ha ha! That sure was creative!
Effective immediately, each Applebee’s seat must offer a wide variety of movies and television programs. They can’t be, like, GOOD movies and television… just stuff you’d watch on an airplane. Think anything with Minions or sitcoms where fat guys are married to hot, flustered wives.
Finally, effective immediately, some customers must be randomly told that there is no room for them in Applebee’s because seats were pre-sold. This one… really doesn’t make any sense. I mean, the POINT of Applebee’s is to bring neighborhood food to as many of our neighbors as possible, always at an affordable price. But our customers want the full airport experience, and they seem to really like it when someone else randomly suffers. Our hostesses may get yelled at and spit on, but we ask that they hold firm on these new policies. My Gramma had a saying (and I think of it often): the customer is always right.
